My Story.

One year ago today was the scariest day of my life. After a 4 day build up, I had my first manic episode resulting in hospitalization, a bipolar diagnosis, 6 days of inpatient treatment, and 7 weeks of outpatient treatment. 8 weeks of *surreal experiences,* on every level, daily. 
Everything changed for me on October 16th, 2018. An episode. I lived through a transition. As if watching myself through clouds or a fuzzy screen. Then I was spit back out to my old life. With a new understanding (and fear) of my brain. 

Hospitalization 

Bipolar Diagnosis

Outpatient Treatment 

Back to reality. 

I am not the same person I was before that day. Thank god. 
My journey has been hard. It’s been long, fast, scary, tumultuous, exciting, invigorating, reassuring, heart breaking, and so many more extreme emotions, that I now realize I’ve been experiencing, in micro doses, my whole life. 

I feel things differently. More deeply. Most people in my life would say I’m really happy. Bubbly even. Engaging, caring, empathetic. And certainly hard working. 

I’m also overly self critical, constantly making assumptions, frequently catching myself in the middle of negative self talk, and easily agitated when I’m low on sleep and high on stress. 

For years I’ve pushed myself to extremes in more ways than one. Moved cross country more times than one. Signed up for marathons and tough mudders and worked 12 days on for 12 hours a day, because I thought that’s what hard work looked like. 

I used to sleep 4-5 hours a night. Now I sleep 7-9. I used to send emails at all hours. Now I end most days at 5. 

I am privileged enough to have a partner, family and friends who understand mental health. Who still respect me as a human being and the successful, hard working person I’ve strived to become.  They don’t put me in a box, or place me in a different category of person because I have bipolar. 

I actively work on my mental health daily. I’m ashamed that I waited until things got so bad that I was taken to the emergency room, but I know that’s not my fault. We live in a society that doesn’t talk about mental health. To many in “mainstream society” mental health is a conversation for those people who go *crazy* or have panic attacks or heaven forbid, need to see shrinks. That needs to end now. 

All of us who have brains, have a reason to care about and learn about mental health. 

I’ve committed the last 365 days to being better. To being mentally healthier. To understand myself, and give myself space to learn and grow and fail and try again. This journey has not been easy. This journey will never end. I will continue to share my story, journey, and experiences in the hopes of breaking down stigma and rebuilding images of mental health, bipolar disorder, and a STRONG WOMAN. 

I have bipolar. I am not bipolar. 

Follow @bipolarbroughtbalance to hear more of my story and join a community of mentally tough, and openly armed heroes working together to break down stigma and advocate for those who can’t advocate for themselves 🖤