Guest post - Vicki’s mental health journey
Hello! I’d like to take a quick moment to introduce myself. My name is Vicki. I live in the Milwaukee area, and I connected with Emily via Instagram when I saw her Bipolar Brought Balance blog. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 in the summer of 2018, and have been diligently working on managing it since then.
A friend recently said to me “you are the most resilient person that I know.” My first reaction was to say “really? Thank you.” But the more I started thinking about it, the more I realized that the experiences I have had have really shaped me into a resilient person, and that is a trait that I am darn proud of. To me, resiliency means the ability to make it through hard situations despite obstacles and struggles you may encounter.
I always knew that I struggled with my moods, even dating back to my high school and college years. I thought it was just my hormones fluctuating. Seemed to make sense, right? I mean, who doesn’t get a little moody with PMS? So I let it go and kept on going about my life.
Over time, my mood swings began to change. I would get these periods of high energy where I could literally feel an electrical current coursing through my body. I felt energetic, enthusiastic, and overall loved everything about life. The way I saw it, life was amazing, and I felt like I was living the world looking through rose colored glasses. I remember thinking “this is me. This is who I am.” And I loved that person.
The happy feelings never lasted though. I would dip down into some pretty intense lows. I would cry and want to sit in a dark room. I would have thoughts about wanting to escape life because I couldn’t handle feeling this way. I was in denial that this could be depression. I always said to myself, “you’ll bounce back. You always do.” And I would. I would again become the happy and energetic person that everyone knew me to be.
Throughout my 20s, this cycle continued. During this time, I managed to graduate college with a bachelor’s degree in health science and a doctorate in physical therapy. I landed a pretty great job and worked with some amazing people. I bought a condo. All while dealing with these ups and downs. I never let the downs take me out though. Although the lows would come at strange times in my life when I was expected to be happy, such as finishing graduate school. I started seeing a therapist to help me with these life transitions. Over time, she started to suspect I had depression, and she encouraged me to see a psychiatrist. I did, but was in denial of my symptoms. Again, as I would say above, I always bounced back. And I did.
The year I turned 30, my world more or less came crashing down. I was working at a job that I loved with great co-workers, was engaged, and was planning my dream wedding. From the outside looking in, my life looked fantastic. Inside, though, I was starting to develop anxiety like I had never experienced before. It would happen at random times with odd triggers, such as a messy kitchen or driving in a thunderstorm. It would trigger such a strong, visceral reaction in me that I had no idea what was going on. Again, I let it go and carried on.
But the anxiety wouldn’t let me let it go. It kept coming back, along with the depression, until it was a glaring problem that was staring me straight in the face. I was at a point where I had difficulty treating my patients. I couldn’t think straight while I was with them, and I knew I hit a new low when I left a patient sitting in the waiting room for 20 minutes because I could not pull myself together enough to go and see her. I also started having frequent panic attacks, to the point where one night I could not drive myself home. Thankfully, my co-worker was able to bring me safely home. In the middle of all this, I would continue to also have the highs. They were wonderful. They made me burst with energy, want to skip and sing down the halls at work, and I would want to hug everyone. My moods were swinging rapidly, with the highs getting higher and the lows getting lower.
The summer of 2018 launched an entirely new journey into the world of mental health, one that I was not ready to be along on the ride for. I eventually hit my lowest low, and was hospitalized inpatient at Aurora Psychiatric Hospital. I will never forget the date: 8/8/2018. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder, and I stayed until I got stable enough on medication. I will admit, all I wanted to do was get back to work. I was still in denial that there was something not quite right. I ended up needing to take a 12 week leave of absence from work to focus on my mental health and allow my brain to adjust to the medications. I returned to work and expected to feel better. Inside, though, I was still struggling with anxiety and depression. My highs, which I later learned were hypomania, manifested as irritability and agitation versus the euphoria I had previously experienced. Despite multiple medication trials and months of individual therapy, I hit another severe depressive episode, but this time it was mixed with agitation and irritability, to the point where I wanted to rip my hair out and scream, but the depression left me paralyzed from doing anything. I was again hospitalized inpatient in the fall of 2019, and again required another 12 week leave from work, with continued intensive individual and group therapy.
I have tried so many medications to manage my condition, probably at least 8, all in various combinations and dosing. I have continued to go to individual therapy. I am always willing to put what my therapist and I talked about into practice. And I have continued to work and try to live my best life. My job isn’t one where you can just take a break or have an “off” day. As a physical therapist, you are constantly caring for people and helping them through their pain or injury to get THEM to live their best life. It’s a very difficult job to do with having a mood disorder.
I transitioned to a new psychiatrist over the summer, and he recommended a partial hospitalization program at Rogers Behavioral Health. My first thought was “been there, done that. Seriously, more therapy?” I didn’t know what would be different about it, but I was willing to try. My insurance didn’t cover it, but I pushed back and got them to make an exception for me. This program was honestly one of the best things I could have done. Some of the techniques they taught me actually stuck. And it opened up an avenue for me to be completely honest for the first time with my family about my struggles. And that alone made the whole experience worth it.
Whether it’s a large step or a small step, resilience and perseverance looks different for everyone. It may be something as large as committing to graduating college, or it may be the willingness to try a new medication or therapist when one previously wasn’t working or serving you well.
Resilience. Perseverance. When I look back, I wonder how I made it through all that I have. I like to think that it was true grit and determination. And now, I can say I agree with my friend. I am resilient, and I will keep carrying myself and persevering on the best that I can. My perseverance and resilience looks a little different now. While I still feel I carry these qualities, I have also learned my boundaries. I know when I need to take a mental health day off of work, and I know when I need to scale back my social calendar to focus on self care. However, I don’t consider these boundaries to be limitations. Rather, they allow me to function and be the best person I can be while managing my mental health.
If you feel like life is too hard to manage and it’s difficult to carry on, just remember that everyone has the capabilities of being resilient and to persevere. It may be more difficult for some than others, and some may need to dig deeper to search out these traits, but I promise, they’re there and accessible to you. And if you need help finding them, seek out the help of a therapist. Surround yourself with good and supportive people. You are capable of so much more than you realize. Whether it’s a small step forward or a large step forward, go with it. Don’t judge the size of your step, acknowledge and be proud of it.
