Reestablishing work boundaries and finding balance

If I’m being honest, I’ve been bending and breaking my work boundaries for a few months now. When I finished inpatient and outpatient treatment at the end of 2018, I decided with the help of my medical team, to return back to work on a six month trial basis. There were strict boundaries I needed to set in order to determine if I could stay in my career, without threatening my mental health and balance. Powering down my computer between 5:00 pm - 6:00 pm every night and not restarting it until the following morning. Actively working to not multitask in meetings and setting alarms so I wouldn’t check my phone constantly, worried about being late for whatever was next in my day. 

These adjustments were things that I knew would be important for my mental health, but I was worried they would also negatively impact my ability to be as successful and get all of my assignments done on time. If I wasn’t constantly checking my email for anything easy to respond to or archive, how could I possibly get back to them all within a timely manner? I understood that by actively doing multiple things at once I’m splitting my mental focus, making it hard for my brain to remember if tasks have been completed, or what was said in a conversation I was half listening to, but I still wasn’t convinced that not multitasking would create the opposite. Three months after my return to work, and just six months after my bipolar disorder diagnosis I received a raise and promotion. Creating boundaries, taking my medication, prioritizing sleep and striving for balance was working! Not only was I seeing success at work, I was no longer feeling a roller coaster of emotions about my career on a monthly basis. I wasn’t overwhelmed by my workload, nor anxious about my ability to get it all done. 

When the pandemic first hit and we were going through immediate shutdown I felt fortunate for my work from home situation. As someone who's been semi-remote since 2016 I saw myself as prepared for the situation. I had already been writing myself permission slips for years to take a walk in the middle of the work day, hop on my Peloton if a meeting gets cancelled, or even watch TV with my morning coffee. Starting the day an hour or two later than normal if I know I have to work late. Full time remote seemed to suit me. And then Behind the Review started.

Let me first say that this project has been one of my proudest moments in my career thus far. Being able to share stories of incredible entrepreneurs I’ve met over the years, and in an editorialized style has really made the conversations come to life for me. It’s also a process that takes an enormous amount of time. 30 minute interviews with both the reviewer and business owner for each episode to start, and then somewhere between 3-4 hours to pick out the best parts of each interview and write the episode script. After the script is edited it takes a few hours to record my audio tracks and edit all of the files to send over to our producer. It then gets tied together into a 15-20 minute story. It’s not a simple process, but it’s been worth it! Learning a new skill, and new software has required hours of uninterrupted time. Something that’s not easy to come by during the week 9-5 when I’m in back to back meetings. 

First it was Sundays. Spending a few hours before or after dinner writing a script, or catching up on a blog post article I forgot to write during the week. Then it became nights during the week. Powering down my computer at 8:30 pm, then 9:00 pm. Mid afternoon this past Wednesday I was in a planning meeting with a few of my close colleagues when I lost it for 15 seconds. Feeling frustrated after being online late two nights in a row I said “Can we just figure this out? I can’t be online past 6 again tonight! I can’t take it!” It wasn’t a huge blow up, but it was enough to warrant me apologizing. I didn’t catch it right away, but after we hopped off I could feel the frustration in me. I knew I had let it out, and directed it at the wrong people. 

Instead of ruminating I sent a message to the group of women saying I was sorry for snapping and losing my cool. I explained what I was feeling stressed about, and told them that I would take some time for myself that night so I could come back fresh the next day. Rather than run the short lived outburst in my mind over and over all night, I was able to hop on my peloton and call it a night work wise. The following morning I had virtual therapy before my work day started. I shared much of my imbalance with my therapist.

“I’ve been working late, and with this virtual event we’re planning at the end of the month quickly approaching, I don’t really see an option other than working some nights and weekends to get it all done. But I don't want to get that short fused and frustrated again.” My therapist let me finish sharing all of the signs I saw to indicate maybe I was transitioning up, or at least away from balance, before she shared her perspective.

“Emily, I think your self awareness is off the charts. I think you know a lot about how your brain works, and what constitutes too much. You seem to me to be pretty far away from that still. You’re picking up on warning signs that are just that - early warning signs. Your alarm bell level issues have yet to pop up.” She was right. Sometimes, as humans, we have a right to be stressed. To feel the pressure and weight of the world on our shoulders. It doesn’t always mean we’re having a mental health episode. But it’s definitely good to know that I’m tuned in and aware of when things start pointing in that general direction. 

I wound my week down by laying on the couch and finishing the Sopranos series, and taking a few long walks with my dog Oscar. I’ve been able to get on my Peloton the past 4 days, and I feel like I have a manageable amount of work for the next week or so at least. I share this story to say that I understand if you’re feeling stressed. I think for many, March is typically the month that sneaks up on us all. This year, we have the added emotions of approaching the anniversary of COVID-19 and our first round of the nation’s shut down. If you’re feeling off balance, or like you’re being pulled in too many directions, take a minute to ask yourself what you can do for you. Is there an hour in the next day or so where you can take time for yourself? Step away from what’s mentally dragging you down, and remember that the world will keep on spinning, even if you stop moving just for a minute. The last year has impacted everyone differently, but it’s impacted everyone. I personally find strength and support through my friends, colleagues, and especially my therapist. Check out this video for some of the immediate thoughts and takeaways I had last Thursday after talking to her.