When Jackie left
For some reason I always have a hard time saying that I am, or was going through a depressive episode. Maybe because I’ve seen the debilitating depressions that others experience. Or because I’ve never missed a major deadline or stayed home on the day of a large event or speaking opportunity. I’ve always pushed through. Long enough to get all of the things that need to be done, done, before burrowing into my couch and wasting away until another deadline becomes pressing.
When Jackie left, I was depressed. Jackie was my right hand woman at work. The person who helped me with the load of Behind the Review, a podcast that I host in partnership with Entrepreneur. I met with her twice weekly to discuss upcoming episodes, future guests to feature, and the current episode that I was writing. Jackie would edit all of the scripts, write all of the Entrepreneur blog posts, and submit all of the episode details such as title and description. She did a lot! And she was ever present in my work life.
The day she told me she was leaving was one of the toughest days for me personally in 2021. It felt like my support was dropping out from under me. Because of her next opportunity, Jackie was asked to leave immediately instead of serving out her 3 weeks notice. That happens in the corporate world, so it wasn’t entirely a surprise, but it definitely left me in a bit of a lurch. Instead of being able to sprint ahead and strategize with Jackie on how to maximize our remaining time together, I was just stuck at the current place in production, left to do the rest by myself.
At first I sprung into action. I reached out to Entrepreneur to change our summer break schedule and buy me some time to get things organized. Then I coordinated with Jackie’s boss to figure out coverage for the show, from the PR side of things. Next, I plowed through my inbox and to-do list getting everything off my plate in 2 long days. After that, I was fairly useless for just over 2 weeks. I still “went to work,” but in my dining room, where I could easily walk to the living room between meetings and watch tv.
Some might say, so what? You got your work done, right? But the death spiral of guilt that goes through my mind when I’m watching tv during the day, or not using every 10-20 minutes I have between meetings to accomplish something is torture. When I’m laying in bed, prolonging waking up my mind is telling me “just do it! If you get up at least you’ll get going!” But until the absolute last minute, I can’t. I’m a slug both mentally and physically, and I’ll only do what I have to, until the mood turns around.
When I’m in that mood of doing the bare minimum, and vegging out more than normal, there’s not much that helps. If I have plans with friends I try to keep them, but like anyone I cancel when I’m feeling too low, or I go with a plan of when I’ll leave. Punching my ticket of ‘social time’ and making the commitment to show up, but ultimately putting in the bare minimum because I feel I have to.
Another thing I notice when I’m in these lows is the dropping off of things like exercise. I still get in my daily morning walk with Oscar. That’s something I barely ever miss, but hopping on my peloton between meetings, or to finish my day just doesn’t happen. When I look back on the month of July and see that on average I was riding 1 day per week I feel sad. I know that if I motivated myself, and bargained with myself to get on the bike for at least 10-15 minutes, I would feel better. The sweat and endorphins would lift my spirits, and I could potentially get out of my funk sooner.
Eating is another thing. When I’m low I like to binge on comfort food and sweets. My excuse to watch TV at 11am is eating my lunch while I watch. But it doesn’t just stop there. Lunch turns into more snacks, which turns into eating all day until I’m so full I feel sick.
Sometimes these depressive states are brought on by a life event, like a colleague leaving. Other times it’s just a flow of energy that will bring me to a low from time to time. But awareness and identification of the red flags and things I need to pay attention to in order to stay healthy is all I can ask of myself. Having tools in my tool belt to try and turn things around, but also being ok with not always feeling like I’m at the top of my game. One some level I need to find radical acceptance around these times. Life events, or the eb and flow of work and social busy seasons impacting my mood or energy levels.
These stories and posts aren’t always going to end up tidy with no loose ends. This is something that happened a month and some change ago, and I’m still coping with some of the daily impacts it has. Sharing it here in the open is a part of that recovery process for me. I know a lot of people have gone through stressful times in their personal and professional lives these past 18 months. You might not want to share them with the world, but I hope you have someone in your life - maybe a friend, family member, or therapist, that you can talk to. Keeping things bottled up and not allowing yourself to feel your emotions might feel easier, but in the long run it could be hurting you. It’s ok to not be ok. Allow yourself to feel, and then ask yourself what might make it feel better. That’s all we can do.
