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Anthony Michael LoMenzo. Tone. This man has been with me through my darkest days, and has sat patiently while I worked to re-find, and rebuild myself in the wake of diagnosis. Hugging me when I cry, without trying to fix everything for me. Or anything. 

Tony and I first met many years ago; some time when he was in middle school, I was in high school. My brother and him were in a group of friends during their misfit years. Bonded together by the death of one of their own, too early on. When they boys went to college they walked similar paths for a handful of years. 

I ran into Tony again during the summer of 2015 at Summerfest. I was at a Mat Kearney concert with my cousin, mom and aunt. He was along with a friend’s brother who stopped by to say hi. Uber was brand new to Milwaukee that summer, and as someone in town from SF I encouraged my mom to give it a shot! The guys helped us navigate past stage after stage full of people any age, mostly all drinking heavily, while they swayed to the music. After we escaped the fest groups and got the ladies safely in the car I walked with both boys back to their car; parked at Tony’s new sneaker store. 

As we walked they caught me up on their lives now that they were big college guys, taking on the world. I bragged a tad about life in the Bay Area and how awesome it was to still come home and reconnect with incredible people like them from my younger years. They were both single at the time (as was I), and I remember specifically telling them ‘You’re going to make some girls really happy someday. Nice guys don’t feel like they’re ahead in college but I promise you finish in first.’ 

I thought I was a hot shot, and they were kids. Still so much to learn about life in their years to come. Little did I know how true that was for me still as well. 

Tony and I reconnected 2 Christmas’s later, while I was in town for an extended holiday vacation. I saw a graduation picture of him at my brother’s place, and invited him to come join us on our self made bar crawl. He was busy at work but would maybe catch us later.

He later tells the story of not thinking that he would come out until I texted again a few hours later to ask if he was still coming.  We ended up pairing up at the final bar of the night and sat in the corner talking. He told me all about the business he had created. As someone who helped business owners learn about online reputation management and sharing their story online I was fascinated by his story. Their grassroots marketing was out of this world, and his ability to leave all of his success to his own hands was something I had immediate respect for. 

Truth be told I was seeing someone when Tony and I reconnected. He knew that, and I was openly not in a good place with it. I had met this other guy a year and a half or so earlier though a dating app. He was perfect on paper, but definitely not perfect for me. My bar had become so low over the years of confusion, dating ducking and dodging, and trying to figure out what was up versus down in a world where I had been conditioned for years to think my soulmate was someone I was supposed to meet in college. 

When I reconnected with Tony I purely enjoyed his company. It wasn’t even flirtatious to start. It was inquisitive, interested, kind, and caring. He made me feel interesting. He made me feel smart. He respected who I was as a person. 

We spent the next few weeks texting often, and even spending a few nights up on the phone. We saw each other once more in person, and then I went back to San Francisco. 

2 weeks later I was back in Milwaukee. I traveled about 50% for work at the time, and just had to know after weeks of all day texting if there was something more there. The day I was getting on the plane to head into Milwaukee for my secret weekend, my stomach was at my ankles. I had so many doubts about this silly idea, and especially the part where no one else knew I was coming to town. 

Everything was relieved when I got an arrival hug, and found an apartment cleaned from top to bottom. Ok, let's be fair - for a house of 3 guys and 2 pets. He had bought new pillows and towels, and had a spread of my favorite snacks, beverages, and sweets. To say I was in love right then and there would be a bit much, but I was definitely not accustomed to this level of treatment. 

Over the next few months I visited every few weeks when I was traveling for work, and Tony made a trip out to San Francisco - his first ever plane ride. Some people couldn’t understand us. How did two people, basically cross country, START a relationship? We talked, we listened, we talked a lot more. We were in constant communication those first few months. Messages, emojis, pictures and videos. We were both living in our phones. 

When we were together, we were so present. Taking time off of work to spend together. Trying to do all of the things normal couples do, packed into 3 or 4 day weekends. The commitment Tony showed me was unparalleled to anything I had ever experienced. The way he saw me, so fully myself was a connection no one had ever worked to have with me before. 

One of the first messages he sent me that I screenshotted was shortly after I returned to San Francisco in 2017. We were texting about something, and a nerve was struck in me. My fingers started moving at lightning speed to respond to him with a full paragraph of why I felt how I felt. To this day I can not remember what the conversation was about, but when I felt I had gone too far and maybe turned him off, I apologized. 

For the next 15 minutes as I sat without a response I started reeling. He thinks I’m nuts. He probably won’t want me to come visit again. How stupid was I to think that a cross country relationship is something ANYONE should do?

And then he responded. “Don’t apologize Emily. It’s so cool that you can feel so deeply. It’s like you’re a light switch sometimes and you get flipped. Maybe you flip the switch or maybe someone else does, but either way you are so passionate about what you say. I just made that analogy up but I think it’s a good one. You’re just saying how you feel”. 

Wow. He saw me. He respected me. He thought my opinion was valid. And he thought my extremes were attractive. Little did I know then, this ability to see me would later be displayed again as an ability to stand by me in the wake of diagnosis. 

Tony allows me to feel things. To feel deeply. To be insecure. To need reassurance. To be strong. To be independent. To be needy. To be loved. My mental health is so much healthier because I have a safe space to talk about how I feel and what I need with the one I love. 

Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Don’t be afraid to show yourself. Someone will love you for you, and still love you while you find you too.