It’s been a while since my last post. Here’s a reflection on why I don’t share sometimes and a hope for the future of how I continue to tell my story.

3 years ago this past month (October 16, 2018) I was hospitalized due to a manic episode. I hadn’t slept in days, and the excitement of a new puppy, combined with an obsession over a work project set me into full blown mania. In hindsight, I’ve had blips, as I call them, of mental health episodes all throughout my 20s. But nothing as serious as 2018. My parents brought me to the emergency room at the advice of a friend in the mental health field. I was barely clothed, and clearly having a mental break. I remember a few officers having to help carry me to a hospital bed where I was strapped down and sedated so my brain and body could rest. I was pumped with fluids to help the dehydration, and a little over 12 hours later I was transferred by ambulance to Rogers Behavioral Health in Oconomowoc Wisconsin.

This is the 2nd year team Bipolar Brought Balance is participating in the NAMIWalk, but the first year in a real walk. Last year we safely gathered together and walked as a team where I walk (almost) every morning with Oscar. We caught up, talked about how we were all coping with the pandemic, and acknowledged the importance of mental health for all. This year I'd love to do the same! Surrounded by others in the community who support the cause, and can relate to the ups and downs we all feel; living with someone with a mental health diagnosis in our lives, or having one ourselves. Join me! Join us! Register to be a member of the team, and make a donation of whatever amount you feel comfortable with. $5 is not too small - any little thing you can give, helps. And if you work for a company that matches donations, indicate that when you fill out the form. I've been able to help other fundraising campaigns 2X as much as I thought I'd be able, because of my company matching my donation. It's a few extra clicks that can go a long way. And if you can't join us in person - don't worry! We'd still love to have you, and appreciate any extra energy we can get that day. So send us some positive vibes from afar! Do a walk or run with us in mind that weekend.

For some reason I always have a hard time saying that I am, or was going through a depressive episode. Maybe because I’ve seen the debilitating depressions that others experience. Or because I’ve never missed a major deadline or stayed home on the day of a large event or speaking opportunity. I’ve always pushed through. Long enough to get all of the things that need to be done, done, before burrowing into my couch and wasting away until another deadline becomes pressing.

When Jackie left, I was depressed. Jackie was my right hand woman at work.

A few months ago a colleague of mine sent me an email about a listing in the ‘Help a Reporter Out’ morning email, looking for someone to be interviewed about their bipolar disorder and setting boundaries in the workplace during the pandemic. She saw the callout and thought of me and Bipolar Brought Balance. While I receive HARO emails as well, I often justify a lack of time to engage in the requests, so it was both nice, and flattering, to get an extra push from my colleague. This post was perfect for me, so I immediately reached out. SELF is a publication I’ve known about since I was a kid and my mom got multiple monthly magazine subscriptions from our school fundraiser. Now it’s still a highly trafficked online platform ranging in topics about fitness, wellness, and mental health. It was a place I’d love to be quoted or published.

Since way back when I was a middle schooler and would walk home alone after babysitting jobs, I’ve known to be ‘aware of my surroundings.’ I grew up in a “nice” area, a suburb of Milwaukee, but there are some “not so nice” spots very nearby. Sometimes the ‘being aware’ was conditional like late at night, or in certain places, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that while I act aware, and make sure I’m not taking unnecessary risks (like running at night with headphones in both ears), I don’t often walk around afraid.

Before my episode and hospitalization I glorified long hours and a busy schedule. Having alot on my plate felt like an equivalent to my worth, and I never gave much thought to my mental wellness or well being. I would frequently say things like "I need to find better work life balance" or "maybe I should try therapy." I knew that I didn't have good systems in place to deal with stress, and I had watched myself ride through the roller coaster of emotions that comes when you're dedicated to your work. When you love what you do, and that trumps taking care of yourself.

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and for me that just means more of an excuse to share my story in hopes of slaying stigma. Yesterday I approved one of my Behind the Review podcast episodes for the month of May that shares the story of a counseling, mental health and addiction treatment business in New York City - Wholeview Welllness. I open the episode by sharing my personal experience of a manic episode in 2018 and how intensive treatment allowed me to realize the importance of mental health for all; diagnosis or not.

Have you ever sat on the couch at night and wished you could turn off the voice in your head nagging you to finish a few last things before you allow yourself to relax? That was my reality almost daily before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And while sure, some of the voices have been calmed by my medication and increased sleep, most of them have been eliminated by putting an end to multitasking and working to be present throughout my workday. I may not be able to get everything I want to do done, but I can get most things done. Sometimes, very rarely, I wonder if I would be more productive if I let myself run wild. If I didn’t put my brain to sleep at night, and let the ramping just keep going up and up and up.

“In no world can I afford any of this”, I’d think to myself.

I remember the feeling distinctly. The drop of my stomach, like being on a roller coaster as I realized I paid too much towards my credit card for the month. “Too much as in, doing the math wrong and auto scheduling to pay more liquid money towards my ever-growing credit card balance than I could afford for the month. I would be leaving just dollars in my checking account after paying my astronomical San Francisco rent. At the time, I was comfortable with a few hundred in my account, just in case.

If I’m being honest, I’ve been bending and breaking my work boundaries for a few months now. When I finished inpatient and outpatient treatment at the end of 2018, I decided with the help of my medical team, to return back to work on a six month trial basis. There were strict boundaries I needed to set in order to determine if I could stay in my career, without threatening my mental health and balance. Powering down my computer between 5:00 pm - 6:00 pm every night and not restarting it until the following morning.

When I first learned that NAMI facilitates Crisis Intervention Training (CIT) for Wisconsin police departments, I knew I wanted to be involved. This training program helps to educate officers about the types of mental health calls they may encounter, signs to recognize when someone is in a mental health crisis, and how they can deescalate a situation, instead of adding fuel to the fire.

$522 dollars. I stared at the price displayed on the front of ONE of my regular medication bags with a month supply as the pharmacist called my insurance company to verify I had an account. The start of a new year meant that they needed to confirm insurance and this was now my second attempt at picking up my prescriptions. Luckily I’m normally about 3 weeks ahead on refills, so I wasn’t panicked. I don’t carry around a purse very often, so as soon as he told me I would need my insurance card I let him know I’d be back in a day or so when I had time.

I sunk further into the couch and started the second show in my weekly lineup of series that are actually live on TV with new episodes again. “How are they going to bring the shows back in a pandemic?” I asked myself weeks ago when I saw the first promo run for a new season. But of course, not only did they find a way to bring the seasons back. They made many of the shows I watch pandemic-present. Taking you inside hospitals and giving viewers a front-row seat to what healthcare workers and first responders are dealing with as they attempt to save those that are sick and dying.

‘This is definitely the first time we’ve seen something like this in our lifetime.’ I’ve said this phrase at least a dozen times in the past 11 months. At first in response to a pandemic that was supposedly coming our way and just days or weeks away from being in our grocery stores and at our workout classes.

I remember the early days of treatment post-diagnosis vividly at times, and very vaguely at others. The one feeling that permeates through the entire experience is a sense of shock at how much I didn’t know about mental health. As a fairly educated person, I guess I always saw my view of the world as ‘accurate and informed’. But as the saying goes, “You don’t know what you don’t know,” and that’s the best way I can describe it.

On Thursday, December 3rd I turned 31. This year has been such a strange year for us all. Personally, it looks nothing like I imagined. As I think back, I honestly can’t remember what I had planned for myself this year. Professionally, I started 2020 in a place of balance, camaraderie, and lofty goals. Our team was full of strong and smart women with a plan to aggressively track the impact of our work - in person with business owners. We met in New York for a week in January to map out the year, just before our boss would start maternity leave and our expo season would kick-off. Just two short months later we were in lockdown and all in-person events were canceled until further notice.

In the past few years the concept of launching a podcast has come up a handful of times, and now, I’m happy to say it’s finally come to fruition. Yelp partnered with Entrepreneur and created a show that we’re really excited about. Behind the Review is a weekly podcast that will feature conversations with business owners, and reviewers about the stories and business lessons behind their interactions.